Conversations With Other Women (About Homeless Men)

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

My sister Sarah: As you know, I love homeless people. I just love them! So I was walking into Rite-Aid and this guy asked me for money and I didn’t have any. But then I walked back out and I was like, “I’m about to buy food on my EBT card. Can I buy you some food?” And just like that, he goes, “I’ll take two bottles of water, orange juice no pulp, and Ruffles sour cream potato chips.” No hesitation, like he was just waiting for someone to come along and take his order. It was rad!

Me: That’s awesome. I wish I had food stamps.

My sister Sarah: Yeah, “orange juice no pulp.” Love it!

My sister Sarah: So you know how I love homeless people?

Me: Yeah?

My sister Sarah: Well I took the girls to Balboa Park today. We’ve been going all over San Diego every day. I am loving this city! Pie and I agree, we are never leaving. So I took the girls to the park, and I was having a cigarette before we got back in the car, and we were right by a whole bunch of homeless people who were sleeping, and the girls were running around and being all crazy, and this one homeless guy goes, “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

Me: Oh, were the children were being too loud at the park???

My sister Sarah: Yeah! So I was really upset, because this guy must think I’m an asshole, and Sadie goes, totally serious, “Are you the Grinch?” And he goes, again, “GET THOSE FUCKING KIDS OUT OF HERE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

Me: That is very bad!

My sister Sarah: I know! But I want him to love me. I want him to know I love homeless people! I kind of want to take him a present tomorrow. What do you think?

Me: Well, he might have been having a really bad day. You could take him a present if you wanted to.

My sister Sarah: Eh, I don’t think I’m going to.

Me: Yeah, you don’t really have to.

Me: So then the guy screamed at her, “GET THOSE FUCKING KIDS OUT OF HERE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

My Mom: Oh, he is very bad!

Me: She’s going to take him a present so he’ll like her.

My Mom: Yep, that sounds about right.

Me: Hi, could you break this for me? I need to tip the guy washing my window.

Lady in Gas Station, really upset: Oh, I wish you wouldn’t do that! When [disgusted] people like you do that, we can’t get rid of them!

Me, really politely and calmly: Well, I had a brother who was mentally ill, and he died, and my window was really dirty anyway, so if he could use two dollars ... I’m sorry that it’s an inconvenience for you.

Lady in Gas Station: [rolls eyes, snorts a big harrumph, and walks away]

Me: So then she snorted and went “ugh” and walked away!

My sister Sarah: Ewww, terrible! I love homeless people.

Me: I know!

My sister Sarah: I consider it part of my tithing; I don’t give that much money at church. So we have this really crazy, smelly homeless guy, and I love him! And I always give him a dollar, or change if that’s all I have, and Pie took the girls out and they saw our homeless guy, and Pie told him he didn’t have any money. And the girls came home and said, “Mama, Daddy wouldn’t pay the man!” I love that they tattled on him. “Daddy wouldn’t pay the man!” They were all mad!

Me: Heh. Stupid Pie!

My sister Sarah: I know! He’s so stupid. And my good little girls, with their tattling. Love them.

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