Conversations With Other Women

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Conversation with a woman in a parking lot, some time ago

Woman: Excuse me, but you should not have honked at me!

Me: Oh, I’m sorry! I just saw that you were backing out and didn’t see me. I didn’t mean to be like “HONK!” I just meant to tap my horn like, “Here I am!”

I didn’t see you!

I know, that’s why I honked.

You should have stopped and let me go instead of honking!

Ma’am, I apologize. I didn’t mean to offend you. I had just kind of swung into the parking lot, and I was right behind you and I saw that you were backing out and didn’t see me.

IT WAS VERY RUDE.

[Defeated] I ... Okay.

Conversation with my sister, mid-April

Me: So John’s on a meth mission, and he’s freaking out and he wants me to come pick him up, and he’s not coming into my house when he’s on meth or coming off it, just, no!

Sarah: Of course not! He’s Hitler when he’s on meth!

I know! And Mom’s all like “I’m so surprised you won’t pick up your brother!”

She knows he’s a terrorist when he’s on meth! He’s done it to her!

I know! So he’s called and left like fifty messages about how he’s going to have me arrested for molesting my son—AGAIN!—and my boyfriend doesn’t love me and is embarrassed of me, and on and on. As soon as I don’t do what he wants, he goes CRAZY.

John can’t handle his drugs! Fuck!

Well, who can? Remember when you were like twenty and you ODed?

Well, yeah, but I didn’t call everybody up and bother them to come save me! I stayed in the bathtub, covered in ice, where I belonged!

Conversation with my mother, last week

Me: Hi mama! Guess who my new favorite senator is?

My mother: Russ Feingold!

No, but he is good!

Bernie Sanders!

No, but he’s good too! It’s Pat Leahy.

Oh, Pat Leahy is wonderful!

Mom, he’s so kind! I know there’s terrible old Republicans who are kind, and good liberals who are terrible bitches, but he’s good AND kind!

He IS good and kind!

There was a hearing with a lady who faced deportation, because gay people can’t sponsor their loved ones, and her son was upset and was crying, and Jeff Sessions went, “Enough with the histrionics already.”

Oh, he didn’t! He is disgusting!

He IS disgusting. But Leahy was like, “I know it’s upsetting, son,” and looked like he was going to cry too.

Oh, he’s wonderful! I do love him! Are you excited for Weeds to start again?

Oh my God, Nancy! You are in trouble now! Do you think she’s really pregnant, or is she bluffing so her amazingly hot Tijuana mayor/secret drug kingpin boyfriend won’t kill her?

Yes, I think she’s pregnant! It showed her telling her sons.

Oh, and I don’t want to sound like Star Magazine or Us Weekly, but I think Michelle Obama is pregnant.

I told you that! Months ago!

No, you didn’t.

Yes I did. I said I thought she was pregnant.

Well, I don’t remember, but maybe you did. But the pictures of them in Paris right now? She’s totally gaining weight. Her face is round too.

But she’s too old to have a baby! It’s going to have Down syndrome and all those terrible things!

Yeah, but people do.

How old is she anyway?

She’s 45 or 46. He’s 48.

Is she?

Honey, are you at the computer? Would you look up how old Michelle Obama is? Yes, she’s 45. And if she didn’t have an abortion, then even all the Sarah Palin Bible people would love them.

No, they wouldn’t.

Well, that’s true.

Conversation with a lady in the liquor store, after that

Lady: You can’t have your dog in here. It’s against the law.

Me: I don’t think it’s against the law. There’s no sign, and they haven’t asked me to take her out of here.

It is the law! They sell food in here!

It’s packaged food. It’s not a restaurant.

It doesn’t matter! It’s a business! I WORK at a business! You can’t have dogs in a business!

I don’t believe that’s the case, ma’am. And I’m just waiting in here because ...

I don’t care why you’re here!

I apologize if she scared you, truly.

I’m not scared! YOU need to take that dog OUTSIDE!

Listen, lady, I am having a really terrible day, so would you please just leave it alone?

[Gleefully] I don’t care about your terrible day! That is not my problem!

No, your problem is that you’re a fucking bitch!

My middle name is bitch!

[Defeated] I’m sure it is.

Conversation with my sister, today

Me: THERE you are! Thank you for dinner.

Sarah: Huh?

Those leftovers you brought for Jimmy’s party. We’re eating them now.

The leftovers from three days ago?!

Hell yeah. They’re fucking delicious.

Well, I’m glad!

Me too! So ...

I KNEW there was something else! What?

Yeah, I went online to look at how much I’d spent on food this month, to add up my budget? And there were a TON of cash withdrawals, so I looked up the address, and it’s the liquor store John is always walking to to get a newspaper, or to get a Red Bull. Sarah, there were eleven transactions. It was a THOUSAND DOLLARS in the last thirty days.

WHAT?

So of course I’m thinking, well, MAYBE it’s not John, maybe I used the card there once a million years ago and they’re just running it through over and over again because they’re so shady, so I walked down there and told them the day and time of the last transaction, and I watched the video tape of John taking the money out of my account.

Are you fucking KIDDING ME?

No. He’s over here all the time; I’m like, “John, come on over, honey, I’ll make you dinner!” And then he sits at my computer and my purse is next to the desk, and every time, he’s like, “I’m going to the liquor store to get a newspaper!” and he’s so sweet, “Do you want anything from the store?”

Lou, that’s horrible! I can’t even believe it! Is it meth again? He’s so skinny!

I honestly don’t think it’s meth. I see him all the time, I would know.

What does Dad think about it?

Dad wants us to have an intervention. How’s your Saturday?

Well, we do throw the best interventions! But Saturday Annie’s coming out here for her birthday.

How about next week? Father’s Day? Or would it ...

It might put a damper on Father’s Day.

Ha! What doesn’t?

Remember that Father’s Day when Dad left us at the race track?

I was just thinking about that! Oh, I got in a fight with a lady at the liquor store too, when I went down there to see the video of John stealing all my money, even though I make him dinner all the time and let him do his laundry over here and buy him deodorant and I’m UNEMPLOYED.

What is wrong with him? Who does that? But what happened with the lady?

She was just a fucking bitch.

I hate that!

Me too.

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