Days of Our Lives

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Mary Cassatt: Afternoon Tea Party

I have taken to inviting my unemployed friends over for a weekly coffee. This, I was sure, would not only give me at least one way to get through those stretched-out days, but would water the seeds of Friendship so it could grow tall and strong and fruitful before inevitably succumbing to aphids and whitefly and some other really creepy (and hardy) pesties that have embedded themselves in my Victory Garden but fierce.

I cleaned the house, I bought fruit and a cake, I laid the table with pretty silver and gold napkins alternated artfully, the mismatched spoons and forks set diagonally (artistic!), the coffee cinnamoned and strong.

The first week, I invited 15 journalist ladies. One came. The second week, I opened it to men as well, figuring, hey! Free cake! Attendance doubled. As you can see, success is like a freight train. In six months or so, we may have a quorum!

But my point is not that I am unpopular (I am). My point is that it was a fine idea, but it can not be the only thing to break up my week, or yours, if you are an unemployed loser too. There must be other shiny baubles, other fun, anything to stop the ceaseless weeping and eating and eating some more. One can not spend one’s whole day stealing music online, or at least not more than, say, twice a week.

And so here are ideas, for me and for you.

• Take Up a Hobby
  You know what’s a good hobby? Smoking. It gives you something to do when you’re sitting in front of your computer for seven hours solid. Why are you sitting in front of your computer? Because you can’t suck up those sweet, sweet beta waves from bed. Might as well get up, check Wonkette, check your e-mail, check Wonkette again. Look desperately for new websites you might want to check regularly. (Have you noticed a particular lifespan of your favorite sites? You may check one several times a day for six months, and then one day, you’re just done with it. You don’t need Americablog anymore, or the Irvine Housing Blog, or Andrew Sullivan, or Gawker, or even Crooks and Liars or Sadly, No. It is mystifying, but not.) Sit at your computer, and smoke. Once it hits 3 pm or so, you can move to the couch, turn on the telly, and smoke something a little less legal. I am talking about PCP.
• Watch Television
  I am pretty sure I sprained my neck last week watching television, the result of a hard six hours’ work on the couch, with my head tilted to the side. Do not tilt your head to the side for more than a couple of hours at a time, and you should be okay. If you want to get fancy, you could start to do some leg lifts while watching television, and then stop.
• Get Dressed
  You (and I) should get dressed at least more often than not, so, say, four days a week. This enables you to leave the house, should it come up. As soon as you’re back home, you’ll probably want to get back into your soft and cozy pajamas. I am fine with that.
• Cook Some Food
  Cook every single thing in your freezer and your pantry, until you finally have to go to the store. This is not the time for letting food go to waste; pretend you are a stoner, or a Top Chef contestant, and create new and exciting ways to use kidney beans, besides giving them away to canned-food drives.
• Get Sort of Fat
  Not really fat, just sort of fat! That way, when you lose the weight, your friends will be impressed. This will also give you an interesting topic of conversation: complaining about your weight.
• Google Stuff
  You should keep your computer turned on while you’re watching TV, just in case you have a sudden urge to find out what are the most common words dogs know, or you want to know how long it should take for your tomatoes to finally fucking ripen, or whether or not to spray vinegar on your tomatoes for the pesties (as it turns out, you shouldn’t!). Learning is life-long.

• Go to a Museum
  Really, go to a museum! On whichever day it is free. I don’t know, look online!
• Read the Books on Your Bookshelf
  You have a library right in your home, filled with books that you bought at garage sales because they would look good on your bookshelf or which people gave you, and which you have never read! Read them. If they are boring in the very first paragraph (I had high hopes for Thackeray’s History of Henry Esmond, because, THACKERAY!, but it turns out there’s a reason Vanity Fair is famous and History of Henry Esmond isn’t, and it turns out Don Juan is written in verse, and I never really expected to dig Troilus and Cressida, but after 16 years on my bookshelf, it seemed time to give it a go), put them down and then give them away, even if they make you look smart. Then go to the actual library. It is free.
• Walk Somewhere
  Really, it feels nice! (After the first 100 yards or so, anyway, after your quads and calves have stopped being confused by all the movement.) You could walk up the mountain to the Getty (free) or up the mountain to the Observatory (free) or around downtown and make friends with a homeless.
• Do Not Even Think About Writing a Book
  You’ll have a job someday (maybe) and you will work harder and for less money than you have since you were 24 and ambitious. Lie fallow for a while. And when the money runs out? Let’s not think about that just yet.

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