Members Only: Penis Imperiled in Pendulous Predicament

by Jim Washburn

Although the Newport-Costa Mesa Daily Pilot is owned by the LA Times and operates out of now-ghostly Times Sunflower Ave. building, it maintains many qualities of a provincial paper, the same one that years ago described a participant in a teen sex scandal as "a known dwarf."

They were certainly in top form with a front-page article in today's Pilot, titled, "Resident's member is saved from ring." What? A member of a residential community was kidnapped by a criminal ring? No a resident's member was saved from a ring. I've done my share of editing, so let me suggest a more telling headline: "Idiot's cock stuck in metal ring, ha ha ha."

This wasn't just any metal ring, but one of those heavy, knurled, threaded jobs used to hold weights on barbells. The gent, whose name the paper didn't release, said he was trying to stretch his penis. The ring cut off the exiting blood flow, however, and by the time he showed up two or three days later at Hoag Hospital "the penis had blackened and swollen to five times its normal size, authorities said." Mission accomplished!

Had I found myself in a similar predicament-and which of us men hasn't put his penis somewhere he's regretted?-I can only hope I'd have the presence of mind to tell the firemen the same thing this guy did: "This will make me chief of my tribe!"

The hospital lacked the proper tools to saw the weight off the member, while it's something firemen do in their downtime at the firehouse all the time evidently. Or at least so I inferred from the Pilot's lead sentence, which stated members of the department's Urban Search and Rescue Squad had been summoned "to save another man's penis from perishing." I appreciate the alliteration, but why "another man's penis" unless the writer felt he had to take pains to make clear that this time it wasn't a fireman's hose?

The patient had to be tied down and sedated before firemen could start to work on his dick, which sounds coincidentally like Liberace's request to the Make a Wish Foundation.

There. I told a Liberace joke. I'm old.

You can read the whole story here.

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